Cool Yule
Year one wrapped.
You grieved for an inordinate number of minutes, that’s a dizzying number of days. In no particular order, your top tasks this year were as follows: decluttering belongings, support therapy, navigating changed relationships, reflections on marriage, and paperwork. To no surprise, you couldn’t get enough of Goodbye by The Chemical Brothers. You romantic, you.
Say Thanks? Same time next year?
In meeting this major milestone, it also meant the conclusion of my grief therapy and the parting of ways with my therapist. Another loss—at least I knew this one was coming! As our time together was nearing its end, he made sure to leave me with two important questions to forever ponder. “What post-traumatic growth will you take from this experience?” And, crucially, “How will you find meaning in this next stage where healing often resides?”
Ever the teacher’s kid, I just wanted to graduate with high marks and praise. Instead, I’m faced with the lasting task of interpreting a year-long riddle without the help of my Rust Cohle. Time is a flat circle. Ironically, dialogue based on Nietzsche's doctrine of eternal recurrence, as depicted in his The Gay Science. He believed we should aspire to a higher state of being and seek meaning through conflict and struggle. Overcome pessimism by affirming life because of its tragic limits.
Alright, Alright, Alright.
In all seriousness, I think this was his commencement speech and way of congratulating me for living through this (see first post). He is now challenging me to continue on my own individual path towards fulfillment. While I may always oscillate between the different stages, he is pushing me to discover that there is something beyond acceptance. A sixth stage; the possibility of being able to discover something meaningful in my grief.
Don’t get me wrong, there wasn’t anything meaningful to be found in his death. It was premature, unfair, and fucking torturous. However, I now understand and believe we experience these unfathomable moments in order to find meaning in the person’s life. How knowing them has shaped us and folded their existence into our lives. I must now truly celebrate him by forgiving myself and allowing change in response to it.
Humans are innately motivated to search for meaning. Our minds are constantly going to places we wish they wouldn’t travel. As the initial shock and numbness has dulled, I’ve struggled tremendously with guilt. For most, it comes when looking back and imagining how things might have unfolded differently. The feeling that there was something more within your control that could have been done to change the outcome. Not me.
In my heart, I recognize the fact that we did everything possible under the circumstances. Went above and beyond to make the best of an impossible situation. I take no responsibility for the inevitable conclusion. I’d never have chosen to lose him. But, am I a bad person for feeling relief now that my pain is over?
I feel happiness guilt.
One day I realized that I was smiling and then laughing more. For a moment, my mind moved to something other than loss. Then the guilt of feeling happy and normal again nearly overwhelmed me. I asked myself, “How can I be happy?” “What gives me the right to enjoy life?” “Does this mean I’m forgetting?” This maladaptive thinking and belief that I don’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose has been serving as an obstacle locking me in the final stages of grief.
“The level of fear you feel about death is the level of your understanding of life.”
— Leo Tolstoy
Throughout this process, I’ve learned that I am more prone to experience these guilty feelings. I grew up in an environment of emotional neglect (see previous posts). Parents who were under-responsive and taught me little about how to recognize, name, manage, and express my emotions. It turns out you need a few of these skills when you are, as an adult, trying to process complex feelings. I am notoriously low on self-compassion and tend to be quite judgmental on myself. I feel responsible for far too many things and it’s easy to pile some guilt on top of that.
However, we all possess sadness, and we all possess joy. They require the space they deserve so that we can live in balance. I’m so thankful to have been afforded this therapeutic opportunity and the permission to be sad. I often have to remind myself of the very conversations we had in the final months. Through the tears in his eyes, he expressed how he wouldn’t want me to be stuck in my sadness forever. I should look elsewhere and embrace happiness when it comes.
As long as the kids approve…
In the absence of validated emotions, it also caused me to grow up with the idea that when I make a mistake, I need to beat myself up mentally so that I’m properly motivated to improve the next time. Perfectionism. This mental blockage that prevents self-forgiveness is black-and-white thinking. Viewing the world in terms of extremes. Always or never, fantastic or horrible, friends or foes. What ends up happening is that we miss the shades of gray.
He always looked dapper, even out of his daily monkey suit. Forgiveness starts with breaking this thinking habit. What’s the middle ground between near and far? Perhaps I needed to go through this extreme loss to find a word that represents something in the middle. Gray seems like an easy choice, but platinum, silver, battleship, or slate all work pretty well. Hi gay.
My figurative color opposite, he saw the world for its possibilities that existed between the two extremes. The life of the party who provided balance and quickly lead me to see my mistakes as something other than calamitous failure. His uncanny ability to move on, not dwell, and infectiously have a good time has been missing for quite some time now. Conceivably, I was codependent, and relied too much on him to offset my own self-compassion.
It’s critical for my continued development that I learn to eliminate these extremes from my lexicon now and embrace my vulnerabilities. Acknowledge my imperfections so that I can realize that my mistakes don’t define my worth. Release this burden and no longer harbor this happiness guilt. Make room for self-love. Forgiveness isn’t about ignoring or forgetting—it’s about freeing yourself from past actions and moving forward with increased awareness and growth.
Thanks doc.
In this life, few things are absolutely right or wrong—black or white. Mainly, we have two different perspectives on one thing. For one person, something extremely bad is just something normal or necessary for another. A requirement that can either make or break a relationship. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that my current situation is temporary and that my outlook is not absolute. It’s important to share other viewpoints and that mine can also be changed.
Going back to the very beginning, it was suggested that I start a journal as a way to train my mind to focus on what I love in life. Write down all of my hopes, aspirations, and cherished memories. Then when a negative situation occurs or I am feeling down, I can open it up and change my perspective. Remind myself just how fortunate I was to experience a majority of these together with him. It obviously turned into something a little different, but I can’t help looking back and reading through my successes.
Which leads me to how I would respond to the second question raised earlier. It’s apparent how much I’ve grown from this undertaking. I’ve just reflected upon the basis of my mournfulness and how I will continue to heal. But, in knowing him—and now myself, I’ve come to understand the true meaning beyond acceptance. Change really is the only constant in life.
It’s natural to dislike change as it often requires you to come out from a zone of comfort and security. But adaptability allows you to reinvent your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. Focus on continuous improvement by slowly and slightly adjusting normal habits and making better decisions. These small, but sometimes tough, choices add up over the long-term towards ultimate happiness. And, it’s ok to be happy.
So, that is what I plan to do. What I know he would want me to do. I choose to find purpose in how he lived his carefree life—being cool. For this day, month, and holiday season to always remain my favorite time of the year—the Yule. Forever combine them into a yearly tradition and celebration of life. I am determined to have a Cool Yule.
I’ll always miss the little things. Cooking meals together, entertaining guests, trying new restaurants, carpooling to work, and listening to his music. Authentic comfortability and being our total selves with each other. His philanthropic heart and that laugh.
But, nobody grows without change. I’m ready again for companionship and deserve to find happiness.
Time resolves everything, but love answers. Love never dies.
Phillip Andrew Wright (PAW), 6/29/64 - 12/12/22